Better than Baldrick
In this section, you will
find a series of instances that prove you are better than Baldrick.
Feel free to use these examples in arguments, to prove that you indeed
have more redeeming qualities than Baldrick.
(SOME OF) THE CUNNING PLANS
- After destroying Dr Johnson's dictionary, Blackadder
must find a way to get out of the predicament...
EB: "...But do go on. Which pages are they?"
BA: "This is the brilliant bit. You write some new ones."
EB: Some new ones? You mean rewrite the dictionary? I sit
down tonight, and rewrite the dictionary that took Johnson
ten years?"
BA: "Yes." -- 3.2
- Baldrick's plan to escape from the French prison is:
BA: "We do nothing."
EB: "Yep. It's another world-beater.
BA: "Wait -- I haven't finished. We do nothing until
our heads have actually been cut off."
EB: "And then we spring into action?"
BA: "Exactly! You know when you cut a chicken's head off, it
runs round and
round the farmyard."
EB: "Yeees..."
BA: "Well, we wait until our heads have been cut off then we
run round and round
the farmyard, out the farm gate and escape." -- 3.3
- Baldrick carves his name on a bullet because he's heard
that they say that
somewhere there's a bullet with your name on it, and he'd never shoot himself.
As Blackadder says, shame. -- 4.1
- Oh, come on, there are too many plans to put here.
Go watch the show, it's funnier than reading this!
THE THOUGHTS OF AN IMBECILE
The Second Series
BA = Baldrick
EB = Edmund Blakadder
- BA: "Some beans and some beans is four beans." -- 2.2
- EB: "I mean, look at this, what is it?" He picks up a
potato
BA: "I'm surprised you've forgotten, my lord."
EB: "I haven't forgotten. It's a rhetorical question."
BA: "No. It's a potato." -- 2.3
- BA: "Shall we drink each other's, or stick to our own?"
Offering his water to EB and Percy -- 2.3
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The Third Series
BA = Baldrick
EB = Edmund Blakadder
PG = Prince George
- BA: "Lord Nelson's got a vote."
EB: "He's got a boat, Baldrick." -- 3.1
- BA: "When I used to play in the gutter I used to say to the
other snipes 'Hello, my name's Baldrick' and they used to say 'Yes, we
know. Sod off, Baldrick.' -- 3.1
- BA: "Well, I've got this big growth in the middle of my
face..."
EB: "That's your nose, Baldrick." -- 3.1
- EB: "Do you have any ambitions in life apart from the
acquisition of turnips?"
BA: "No." -- 3.1
- EB: "Baldrick, how did you manage to find a turnip that
cost £400,000?"
BA: "Well, I had to haggle." -- 3.1
- BA: "Novel or navel, it sounds like a bag of grapefruits to
me." -- 3.2
- EB: "'Once upon a time there was a lovely little sausage
called Baldrick, and he lived happily ever after.'"
BA: "It's semi-autobiographical." -- 3.2
- EB: "You've burnt the life's work of England's foremost
man of letters?"
BA: "Yup. You did say burn any old rubbish." -- 3.2
- BA: "I am as stupid as I look, sir, but if I can help,
I will." -- 3.2
- EB: "Baldrick, what have you done?"
BA: "I've done 'c' and 'd'."
EB: "Let's hear it then."
BA: "'Big blue wobbly thing that mermaids live in.'"
EB: "What's that?"
BA: "Sea."
EB: "Yes, tiny misunderstanding -- still, my hopes weren't high. What
about 'd'?"
BA: "I'm quite pleased with 'dog'.
EB "Yes? And the definition of 'dog' is...
BA: "'Not a cat.'" -- 3.2
- BA: "I couldn't sleep when I was little."
EB: "You still are little, Baldrick."
BA: "Well, when I was even littler, see, we used to live in a
haunted hovel. Every night our family was troubled by a visitation from
this disgusting ghoul. It was terrible -- first there was this unholy
smell, then this tiny, hairy, clammy little creature would materialize
in the bed between them. Fortunately I could never see it myself."
EB: "Yes. Tell me, Baldrick, when you left home, did this repulsive
entity mysteriously disappear?"
BA: "That very day."
EB: "I think, then, that the mystery is solved." -- 3.3
- PG: "Anarchist!"
BA: "Cleaner!"
PG: "All right, so you've had a wash. That's no excuse. Die, traitor!"
EB: "That's Baldrick, your Highness, spring-cleaning." -- 3.4
- EB: "Baldrick, why has half of the front page been cut
out?"
BA: "I don't know."
EB: "You do know, don't you?"
BA: "Yes." -- 3.5
- EB: "Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?"
BA: "Yes, it's like goldy and bronzy only it's made out of
iron." -- 3.5
- EB: "Well, I don't know, do I? It depends on what it is."
BA: (Getting panicky) "Well I can't tell you what it
is unless you want to know, and you said you didn't want to know, and
now I'm so confused I don't know where I live of what my name is!"
EB: "Your name is of no importance and you live in the pipe in the
upstairs
water closet." -- 3.6
- BA: "My mother told me to stand up to homicidal maniacs." --
3.6
- BA: "Well, my cousin Bert Baldrick, Mr. Gainsborough's
butler's dogsbody,
says he heard that all portraits look the same these days, since they
are painted to a romantic ideal, rather than as a true depiction of the
idiosyncratic facial qualities of the person in question." -- 3.6
Actually, this is one of the only intelligent things Baldrick has ever
said.
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The Fourth Series
BA = Baldrick
EB = Edmund Blakadder
LG = Lieutenant George
- LG: "No, sir, that's not supposed to be vomit. It's dabs
of light."
BA: "No, it's vomit."
LG: "Ah, now why did you choose that?"
BA: "You told me to, sir."
LG: "Did I?"
BA: "Yes, sir. You told me to paint whatever comes from
within...so I did my breakfast." -- 4.1
- BA: "I want a wimple." -- 4.1
- EB: "I can't believe I've been so stupid."
BA: "Yes, that is unusual, because usually I'm the stupid
one."
LG: "Yes, and I'm not over-furnished in the brain department."
-- 4.1
- EB: Well, this time I've been the stupidest of all.
LG: "Oh, now, sir -- I won't have that. Baldrick and I will always be
more stupid than you. Isn't that right, Baldrick? Stupid, stupid,
stupid."
BA: "Oh, yes -- stupidy, stupidy, stupidy."
LG: "We're the stupidest bunch of stupids in the history of
stupiditiness." -- 4.1
- LG: "Bravo -- it's one of the King's Carrier Pigeons!"
BA: "No it isn't -- that pigeon couldn't carry the king. It
hasn't got a tray or anything." -- 4.2
- At court--a bad place for Baldrick
EB: "Deny everything, Baldrick."
LG: "Are you Private Baldrick?"
BA: "No."
LG: "But you are Captain Blackadder's batman?"
BA: "No."
LG: "Oh, come on, Baldrick -- be a bit more helpful, it's me."
BA: "No, it isn't." -- 3.2
- BA: "No, sir, you're as dead as some doo-doos." -- 4.2
- BA: "Do not despair, sir. All my talk of food was only a dead
herring." -- 4.2
- Trying to save Blackadder from being shot by writing to
someone in a letter to George's mother...
BA: "No, no, someone else."
LG: "Who?"
BA: "I don't know."
LG: "Neither do I."
BA: "Think, think."
LG: "No, you think, think!"
BA: "You think, sir!" (An impossible act for both of them)
-- 4.2
- LG: "Charlie Chaplin, Baldrick. What do you make of him?"
BA: "Oh, sir, he's as funny as a vegetable that has grown
into a rude and amusing shape, sir." Perhaps a turnip? -- 4.3
- BA: "I'm a Sopwith Camel." -- 4.4
- BA: "I don't like them doctors. If they start poking around
inside me..."
EB: "Baldrick, why would anyone wish to poke around inside you?"
BA: "They might find me interesting." -- 4.5
- BA: "The thing is -- the way I see it, these days there's a
war on, right? And ages ago, there wasn't a war on, right? So there must
have been a moment when there not being a war went away, right, and
there being a war came along, right? So what I want to know is, how did
we get from one case of affairs to another case of affairs?" -- 4.6
- How Baldrick thinks the First World War was started.
BA: "I heard it started when some chap called Archie Duke
shot an ostrich because
he was hungry." -- 4.6
- EB: "How hurt would you be if I give the honest answer,
which is, 'No -- I'd
rather French-kiss a skunk'?"
BA: "So would I, sir." -- 4.6
- Baldrick's war poems...beware, they are quite stupid.
"Hear the words I sing,
War's a horrid thing.
But still I sing, sing, sing
Ding a ling a ling."
The German Guns
"Boom, boom, boom, boom,
Boom, boom, boom,
Boom, boom, boom, boom..."
EB: "Boom, boom, boom?"
BA: "How did you guess?" -- 4.6
- BA: "...a girl actually came up and kissed me."
EB: "Poor woman -- first casualty of the war." -- 4.6
- BA: "I remember telling my mum, 'these sacks will be easy to
outwit
in a battle situation'." -- 4.6
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