A bit of a rant-type thing.......

I've skinned my Blackadder fanlisting, whoop! That took my mind off of my issues for, what, a few hours? Got to think of a new project now. I keep trying to remix stuff, and have actually come up with two reasonably good remixes (I think so, at least). I remixed the demo a capella of You Thrill Me, the predecessor to Erotica, by Madonna. It's pretty cool. I've also finally come up with a remix of Show Me by Maire (Moya) Brennan that I'm really happy with - I've been working on remixing this one for a few months now, and today, I finally worked on what I had already done enough to be really pleased with how it sounds. Yay me. :)



The awards for Season Five at Acid Rock Blends were posted, yay! I love that site - there are LOTS of blend sites online, but not many seem to be very... human. Acid Rock is great - the host or whatever is really nice and seems very appreciative of the people who submit blends, and is really into the site - you can tell she really likes Madonna, and that she gets a kick out of what we (the humble blenders!) come up with. Which is why it's all the more cool when awards are doled out, and which also brings me to my next ramble. :) The above image is a link to a blend that I am very proud of - on my Random Acts of Art page, I comment on the images I post - I talk about what inspired a blend or if I'm happy with how it turned out - and this was what I wrote about the above blend:

This was the first blend I did for Season 5, and the sad feeling of the blend (well, I think it has a sad feeling, at least!) came from the helplessness/hopelessness I was feeling at the time, as my OCD was at a particularly rough point. I'm very proud of this blend, because I was able to channel my unhappiness into something beautiful. :)

So I was SO excited to see that it won a gold award! I was surprised to read the glowing comment:

Gold - Scarlett - F*cking mindblowing!! Woah! Loved the whole layout, colours and choice of images! Made me feel like a voyeour.

...from the host, because even though I thought I did quite a good job, I didn't think it would be described as "mindblowing"! :D

I'm not into blending for the sake of blending or for awards, because that's just silly. I just like having an "excuse" to make pictures. :P And right now, blending is a particularly therapeutic way to pass the time, because it requires total concentration - plus, when you're done, you have a nice, lovely picture to be proud of! Anyways, I'm rambling quite a lot, aren't I?

I'm just not doing well. My psych is working on what to do, so in the meantime, I just have to hang in there. It's looking like I'm going to go back to the therapist I went to for my CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) awhile ago, which I could either look at as a step back, or a step in the right direction. I can't imagine being in that office again - I kind of never want to see it again, because it reminds me of a really horrible time in my life (which I haven't rambled about in my blog, and probably won't, because it's likely to be misunderstood and stuff. Suffice to say, I was in a bad way.).

Actually, maybe I will ramble about "the issue" (the one I went to CBT for) a bit - OK, maybe not the actual *issue*... One of the (many) reasons why I'm so frustrated and angry about this current issue is that I've already gone through enough. I don't have that cliche "Why me?" mindset - no, I've never thought like that. I just take whatever OCD thing comes my way and hope that it all works out, because I know it will. I don't resent having OCD, or SAD, or depression, because it could be worse. Of course, what I deal with is pretty bad, but at least I'm reasonably cheerful. But the difference between this issue and "the issue" and how I'm dealing with it is that I'm angry this time. I'm frustrated that I have to go through this again. I know I have OCD (duh), and that it will influence my life forever (duh), but I never thought I'd go through another low point as low as this - again. I'm used to OCD symptoms affecting me all the time, because that's the nature of the disorder. I don't know what it's like to live without the constant irrationality of OCD, and I don't care that I don't, because that's just how it is. So as I said, I'm used to OCD being there all the time, but I thought that would be it, after all I went through with "the issue". The worst part isn't even all the stuff I'm dealing with now - the OCD stuff (intrusive thoughts and "habits" - compulsions - related to them), the depression, the SAD - it's knowing that it's completely irrational, completely medical, and not my fault. Knowing that it's all so stupid makes me feel so frustrated. With "the issue", I wasn't sure whether or not - despite what my psych said - my fear was irrational. So I felt like there was a "purpose" to my OCD-related actions (repetitive thought patterns, etc) that I was compelled to do because of my intensely irrational mind. (No, I wasn't crazy, thankyouverymuch.) But now - I know that it's just OCD, just depression, just SAD, and that makes me frustrated. Because I'm not stable - meaning, I'm not on a med that is actually helping, and so am all but completely at the mercy of the disorder - I'm not able to "get better" through CBT - yet. I know that once I'm on enough meds, I'll be able to deal with the OCD like I was taught to with the CBT - I *want* to, I've *tried* to, ever since I started going downhill. But then my mind says "What if?". And I always end up back at square one.

I'm sorry for being so self-indulgent here, and for complaining. I had told myself that I wouldn't post about how deeply the OCD et al are affecting me, because I don't want to give the impression that I'm just wallowing in self-pity. I'm not, but it might look like that by what I've written... It's a good sign that I'm angry, because it means that I want to "fight back" at the OCD, and that I'm not going to give up.

I feel like I'm in limbo. I just want to get better. I want to be *me* again.

Cheery bye, Scarlett
(BTW - I'll talk about "the issue" sometime, but I just can't fathom writing about it at the moment - I've got to get to bed!)




//Listening to:
Thios Fa'n Chosta (Clannad)