A note from the Arena of the Unwell...

(Subject title is a reference to a quote from Withnail and I, and actually works quite well as a title...)

I haven't posted here or in my LJ for a long time, and I thought anyone who (for whatever reason!) reads my blog or LJ might want to know what's going on with me, cos I'm vain like that. ;)

Warning - what follows is probably confusing and pretty boring, and terribly self-indulgent. :) I take awhile getting to the point, but I get there eventually... :D

Toward the end of summer, I started going downhill with my OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) - in particular, hand-washing and bathroom stuff became an issue, along with lots of other fun stuff. [insert bitter "Ha ha." here] I also noticed that I was becoming more and more depressed, and I was becoming more and more anxious about going out to the mall, movies, etc (anywhere with people, basically [insert another bitter "Ha ha." here]). I didn't think much of it, because I just assumed I was going through a short phase with my OCD, as can happen sometimes. In an effort to lose weight, my psychiatrist switched me to a new medication that would have the same *good* effects of the medication I was previously on, but without the negative side effects (weight retention).

I went off of my current med at the time, and promptly went through withdrawal. So for a week, I was shaking, cold, hot, EXTREMELY anxious, depressed, and just generally in a very bad way. Once I got through that, we (the parental units and I) hoped the new medication would take effect. Er... they didn't. I became depressed - not that horrible depression that they always talk about on TV, but also not that "teenage" depression that daytime talk-shows talk about either - it was (is) more like being terribly depressed but for no tangible reason. I also became all but reclusive (I'm still all but reclusive, but that'll come later!), finding myself becoming anxious if we even mentioned going out for the day. We went to my psychiatrist, who confirmed that I was depressed, and have social anxiety disorder (SAD), and that we needed to nip that - and my OCD - in the bud. Increasing the dosage of my med has not yet helped, and although the depression has lifted considerably, my OCD seems to be getting worse. My SAD remains pretty much the same - I don't go out much, and when I do, it's extremely nerve-wracking and I become light-headed if it's unusually crowded. We're probably going to switch to another med and see how that goes... we've got to get this sorted out before January, because I'll be going to college then... which is what my psych thinks probably triggered the depression - anxiety about college... argh.

I'm not telling you all this to get sympathy, because I don't want it ;) - aside from that business, I'm in reasonably good spirits, and am just continuing to cope (and hope).

I realized a few days ago that one thing that happens when I'm going through a difficult time with my OCD is that, when it comes to keeping in contact with people (online and in real life), I do sort of become a recluse. It's actually a pretty big effort to "keep up appearances", and to work up the nerve to write an email to someone or write a blog post - sounds weird, I know, and probably doesn't make sense... it's sort of social anxiety disorder, but online.

So my point is that if I don't post for awhile, or don't get back to anyone's emails for a long time, it's probably because I'm having a rough couple of days, and it's not because I've lost interest in posting or because I'm ignoring you. :)

Cheery bye, Scarlett




//Listening to:
Tenement Funster (Queen)