"I can't get no - no no no... Hey hey hey hey, that's what I say..."

(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction. :)

Ah, not much new stuff to write about. My current med seems to be helping a bit, so I'm able to function a bit again. I've noticed little improvements, nothing big, but enough so that I'm not feeling as hopelessly depressed as I was. :/

Exciting new development (not really): Hallelujah Sweet Jebus, I found Not Only... But Also a few days ago! Oh yeah! Turns out it was shoved back in a shelf somehow. My theory is that it fell off the side of the shelfy thing (it's what my TV sits on), hit the side of my bed (it's right next to my bed, you see), and sort of ricocheted back into the shelf. It's very sad that I have a theory about this, but... meh. Still haven't found the main bra, so I guess NOBA wasn't off cavorting with it. I haven't been able to find my Pyramids of Mars (Doctor Who) DVD for awhile now... perhaps it's absconded with my bra? Oh, that Tom Baker!

Another exciting new development (nope, not really) - I was approved for the Enya fanlisting. Whoo yeah!

I didn't think I'd get it. I was sure there would be tons of applications, but I suppose either (a) mine was very good or (b) there weren't that many after all, because I was approved (very quickly too!). Whoop! Exciting.

I was also approved for the Remixes fanlisting (for remixes in general), yay!That's quite neat. I love remixes, so I jumped at the chance to apply for the fanlisting.

Let's see, what else... really not that much going on... ooh, I made a new layout for my Paul McGann fanlisting, featuring and exceptionally spiffy pic of him.(The link pic isn't the spiffy pic, although it is lovely). The new layout is absurdly small and boxy and... green, but I just didn't want a big ol' splashy layout, like the previous one, which I created to be flush right and though I really liked the color scheme and the main image, I grew really tired of it really fast.

Ooh! I updated my Doctor Who site. I love Doctor Who. I don't update the site that often, but there isn't a whole lot to update it with. I need to make more icons, cos, well, Tom Baker is a great subject for icons... ;) You wanna know something scary? I didn't realize this until I counted them all up, but I've got a total of 77 scans and DVD photo gallery screen captures on the site. I really didn't think I had that many, but I do! It's pretty cool.

Doctor Who kept me from going insane, you know. I was at my lowest with my first big obsession, and I kept catching bits of Doctor Who stories on Saturday nights when I would flip through the channels. It was either on before or after Red Dwarf; it depended on the scheduling. So I'd either watch the end of it when I was waiting for Red Dwarf to start or watch the beginning when Red Dwarf ended, and was intrigued by a few of the Third Doctor stories. But when I saw a bit of The Ark in Space, I saw Tom Baker, and thought "Hello...! Why, that's rather nice, innit?" and was amused by the camp sci-fi-ness of it. But it wasn't quite enough to really interest me, and the next week, I happened upon the show again (this time it was The Sontaran Experiment) and was muchly amused by the Sontaran Styre (tee hee hee, he looks like a potato - look to your left), and further intrigued by Tom Baker. Another week passed, and - honestly, I did not go looking for the show, I just kept happening upon it - the story was Genesis of the Daleks, and all I remember was being vaguely creeped out by Davros (he's on the right in the pic, Tom Baker's on the left, so no clever comments like 'Which one is Davros?' ;) ). The next three stories that I didn't catch anything of were Revenge of the Cybermen, Terror of the Zygons, and Planet of Evil (not that you care, but I do).

Pyramids of Mars was the kind-of-first story I watched. I saw about twenty minutes of it - the combo of sci-fi-Egyptology and Tom Baker, who was becoming increasingly intriguing to me, caught my attention. Again, the "sci-fi" was amusing but there was something that was really cool about it. Being me, I forgot about it until the next week, when I came across (drumroll) The Android Invasion. (crowd cheers for some reason) Apparently the story isn't regarded very highly in many fans' eyes, but I love it. So pbfft.

Oh, Android Invasion. OK. So, I actually watched the last half-hour or so of it. I know the exact moment that I fell in love with the show.
...
OK, OK, OK. The exact moment I fell in love with Tom Baker. But I vowed then to never miss a show. So, the exact moment - TWO exact moments, actually (I'm beginning to feel like I'm going to end up doing a Spanish Inquisition!). The first moment was when the Dr was talking to the android Sarah Jane in the candy shop or whatever it was, and he was kneeling next to her and looking up at her and I was sort of amazed that his eyes actually stayed in his head (he's got HUGE goggly eyes), but was at the same time thinking that he was rather dishy. That was sort of the lead-up moment. A few chases, androids and explosions later, we get to The Moment. Sarah Jane thinks the Doc has been killed (yet again), but - oh my gosh, what a shock ;) - it was just an android. So the Doctor stands in the doorway and says something along the lines of "Don't waste any tears over him, Sarah", and she looks up and is all surprised to see the *real* Doctor standing there, as the android Doc "decomposes" (they superimpose the metal framework of the "android" over the image of the Doctor lying there. Extraordinary special effect, hmm?). Relieved, she says "Don't EVER do anything like that AGAIN.". The Doctor looks stoic for a second, then grins, fiddles with his hat, grins some more, says "Come on.", beckons with his head, and turns and walks out of the door. I was in love.

Now I have to explain why this is such a big thing to me, because to the casual reader, this would indicate that I'm insane. I'm not! I swear, I'm quite sane. I'm just very slightly mad, that's all. But anyways... I was miserable at the time, because the obsession was really starting to consume my life, and I had nothing to ground me, no defense mechanism. The Doctor represented safety, protection, seemed to exude an "it's-ok-everything's-gonna-be-all-right" sentiment, to me. Again, I am NOT insane. I am fully aware that the guy is a fictional character. I would make up stories in my mind to get to sleep at that time, really elaborate things, because otherwise I wouldn't have been able to fall asleep (I realized later that this was a defense mechanism). By using my mind to make stuff up instead of just analyzing my thoughts, I could get to sleep. I made up all sorts of storylines, but the central theme of the stories was that I was OK. That I wasn't miserable. The stories centered around traveling with the Doctor, being taken away from my misery in his TARDIS and being OK and rid of OCD. I thought I was crazy because I was really using this fake "universe" I had imagined to cope with everything I was going through, but I learned later that when one is suffering from anything, whatever works to get you through is not crazy. If I had just concentrated on my reality, I would have been in a really bad way. I imagined being better (albeit better in a crazy setting!), and that was the important point. I held onto those stories because they were my light at the end of the tunnel. When I went through the intensive CBT, I finally saw that light, and was OK. Since then, Doctor Who has just been one of my favorite TV shows and not a defense mechanism. It will always have a place in my heart, though. And there are certain stories that I'll watch and be reminded that *hey, I got through it!*, and feel proud of myself. There were times I couldn't even watch the TV, let alone Who, because I'd have to keep rewinding and fast forwarding and stopping the tape because... do I even need a reason? It's OCD, there was no rational reason - after the CBT, I would watch the Who stories I'd had trouble watching and cry a bit, remembering the times when I couldn't even watch a tape. And I'd feel proud, and strong, and confident, that I had beaten that obsession to a pulp and could once again live.

I'm really not crazy.

Of course I'm all but back at square one, but this time there's no clear-cut obsession, and I know it's all irrational bunk.

Blimey, all that remembering really drains a person...

Cheery bye, Scarlett


//Listening to:
The Last Time (Rolling Stones)
//Currently amused by this quote:
"You could confuse a stupid person." (Pete of Pete n' Dud)