I'm in a Madonna mood at the mo':

Ooh, I'm Frozen AND Nothing Really Matters! Spangly! (I found out about these quizzes from Acid Rock Madonna, so go check it out. :) )

No news on the OCD front. :/

Cheery bye, Scarlett

//Listening to:
Sanctuary (Madonna)

I've skinned my Blackadder fanlisting, whoop! That took my mind off of my issues for, what, a few hours? Got to think of a new project now. I keep trying to remix stuff, and have actually come up with two reasonably good remixes (I think so, at least). I remixed the demo a capella of You Thrill Me, the predecessor to Erotica, by Madonna. It's pretty cool. I've also finally come up with a remix of Show Me by Maire (Moya) Brennan that I'm really happy with - I've been working on remixing this one for a few months now, and today, I finally worked on what I had already done enough to be really pleased with how it sounds. Yay me. :)

The awards for Season Five at Acid Rock Blends were posted, yay! I love that site - there are LOTS of blend sites online, but not many seem to be very... human. Acid Rock is great - the host or whatever is really nice and seems very appreciative of the people who submit blends, and is really into the site - you can tell she really likes Madonna, and that she gets a kick out of what we (the humble blenders!) come up with. Which is why it's all the more cool when awards are doled out, and which also brings me to my next ramble. :) The above image is a link to a blend that I am very proud of - on my Random Acts of Art page, I comment on the images I post - I talk about what inspired a blend or if I'm happy with how it turned out - and this was what I wrote about the above blend:

This was the first blend I did for Season 5, and the sad feeling of the blend (well, I think it has a sad feeling, at least!) came from the helplessness/hopelessness I was feeling at the time, as my OCD was at a particularly rough point. I'm very proud of this blend, because I was able to channel my unhappiness into something beautiful. :)

So I was SO excited to see that it won a gold award! I was surprised to read the glowing comment:

Gold - Scarlett - F*cking mindblowing!! Woah! Loved the whole layout, colours and choice of images! Made me feel like a voyeour.

...from the host, because even though I thought I did quite a good job, I didn't think it would be described as "mindblowing"! :D

I'm not into blending for the sake of blending or for awards, because that's just silly. I just like having an "excuse" to make pictures. :P And right now, blending is a particularly therapeutic way to pass the time, because it requires total concentration - plus, when you're done, you have a nice, lovely picture to be proud of! Anyways, I'm rambling quite a lot, aren't I?

I'm just not doing well. My psych is working on what to do, so in the meantime, I just have to hang in there. It's looking like I'm going to go back to the therapist I went to for my CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) awhile ago, which I could either look at as a step back, or a step in the right direction. I can't imagine being in that office again - I kind of never want to see it again, because it reminds me of a really horrible time in my life (which I haven't rambled about in my blog, and probably won't, because it's likely to be misunderstood and stuff. Suffice to say, I was in a bad way.).

Actually, maybe I will ramble about "the issue" (the one I went to CBT for) a bit - OK, maybe not the actual *issue*... One of the (many) reasons why I'm so frustrated and angry about this current issue is that I've already gone through enough. I don't have that cliche "Why me?" mindset - no, I've never thought like that. I just take whatever OCD thing comes my way and hope that it all works out, because I know it will. I don't resent having OCD, or SAD, or depression, because it could be worse. Of course, what I deal with is pretty bad, but at least I'm reasonably cheerful. But the difference between this issue and "the issue" and how I'm dealing with it is that I'm angry this time. I'm frustrated that I have to go through this again. I know I have OCD (duh), and that it will influence my life forever (duh), but I never thought I'd go through another low point as low as this - again. I'm used to OCD symptoms affecting me all the time, because that's the nature of the disorder. I don't know what it's like to live without the constant irrationality of OCD, and I don't care that I don't, because that's just how it is. So as I said, I'm used to OCD being there all the time, but I thought that would be it, after all I went through with "the issue". The worst part isn't even all the stuff I'm dealing with now - the OCD stuff (intrusive thoughts and "habits" - compulsions - related to them), the depression, the SAD - it's knowing that it's completely irrational, completely medical, and not my fault. Knowing that it's all so stupid makes me feel so frustrated. With "the issue", I wasn't sure whether or not - despite what my psych said - my fear was irrational. So I felt like there was a "purpose" to my OCD-related actions (repetitive thought patterns, etc) that I was compelled to do because of my intensely irrational mind. (No, I wasn't crazy, thankyouverymuch.) But now - I know that it's just OCD, just depression, just SAD, and that makes me frustrated. Because I'm not stable - meaning, I'm not on a med that is actually helping, and so am all but completely at the mercy of the disorder - I'm not able to "get better" through CBT - yet. I know that once I'm on enough meds, I'll be able to deal with the OCD like I was taught to with the CBT - I *want* to, I've *tried* to, ever since I started going downhill. But then my mind says "What if?". And I always end up back at square one.

I'm sorry for being so self-indulgent here, and for complaining. I had told myself that I wouldn't post about how deeply the OCD et al are affecting me, because I don't want to give the impression that I'm just wallowing in self-pity. I'm not, but it might look like that by what I've written... It's a good sign that I'm angry, because it means that I want to "fight back" at the OCD, and that I'm not going to give up.

I feel like I'm in limbo. I just want to get better. I want to be *me* again.

Cheery bye, Scarlett
(BTW - I'll talk about "the issue" sometime, but I just can't fathom writing about it at the moment - I've got to get to bed!)




//Listening to:
Thios Fa'n Chosta (Clannad)

The one nifty thing to happen in awhile - I've finally skinned my Sarah Brightman site! Take it for a test drive, it's pretty neat! :)

Other than that, everything's still pig doots. Emphasis on the "doots".

On another, sillier, note, take a moment to consider another candidate currently running for president - he's "a new kind of crooked politician"! I've mentioned Glitterrock.org before, but it's worth mentioning again, cos the Glitterrock '04 campaign keeps getting funnier. :) From a "transcript" from a recent, er, "debate" -

Give us some examples of what you consider to be his [Bush's] not telling the truth.
Well, his continual "we're winning the war" is an example of lying. Others include "there are weapons of mass destruction" and "the war is over." Oh, and his most recent is "this administration knows what it's doing."

The "screen captures" from the debate are great too, so go take a look! Now! :D

Cheery bye, Scarlett

//Listening to:
Forbidden Colours (Sarah Brightman)

Title is from Dannii Minogue's You Won't Forget About Me! :) Cool song!

I'm back from our yearly weekend-in-Solomons Island jaunt, woo-hoo and huzzah. ;) It's one of those family traditions that no one knows how it got started. My parents got married October 16 several centuries ago [ ;) ], and for some reason, we stay for two nights at Solomons on or around Oct. 16 every year. I think we must have started going sometime in the early 90s, because I remember going there before my brother was born... ah well, anyways. It was nice to see Solomons again, although because we've been going there for ages, I could find my way around there blindfolded. :)

I was of course nervous about going - I haven't even been out of the house for, what, 2 weeks or so? And indeed, I did have trouble with anxiety and... well, you know, everything. At the little shops along the boardwalk I kept having to go back outside to get some air, because I kept feeling light-headed. Nerves. But aside from that, it was kind of nice. :/

Well, let's think about happier things now, shall we? :) I visited Outpost Gallifrey today to see if there have been any new developments with the new Doctor Who series, and found out that the new logo for the series has been revealed:

A wise man (Peter Davison, Doc # 5) once said "It's CRAP!", and I think it kind of applies here. The lens flares are... gah, lens flares....! The font... oh geez, come on BBC, couldn't you have picked something - or created something - more distinctive than that? I realize that the BBC and the new Who crew (heh, "new Who crew"!) want to "modernize" the show and sort of distance itself from the Who stereotypes from the past (quarries, Daleks that can't climb stairs, quarries, Jelly Babies, and we can't forget quarries), and a logo quite unlike any of the logoes of the past certainly wouldn't hurt - but this new logo looks too common... I'm being a bit over-the-top, aren't I? Well, Who is something I care deeply about, and goodness knows I'm obsessed with fonts and graphic design, so pbfft!

Of course I won't be completely against the new logo, I'm not a weirdo fan like that. I just think that Who needs a really distinctive logo, and that one isn't very unique. It might look kind of neat all animated, like in a title sequence, reflecting light and all that... but as a static image, it's... gah, lens flares!!!

.....Let's see, what have I been doing, apart from coping? I redesigned my Kylie site, so it's all spanglified and such. I've been listening to her two new songs (i Believe In You and Giving You Up), and am SO HAPPY with them! Although I do like Body Language, her most recent album, it's not really my cup of tea. A lot of Kylie fans were disappointed with it as well, and I can understand why. It's good, but not good. You may remember my rants about Kylie's lack of Impossible Princess-esque material? I can rant no more, for these two new songs are VERY IP-esque, particularly GYU, which I personally think would sound amazing done with live instruments, not synths - you know, guitars, bass, drums... GYU sounds very 60s actually, which is cool. :D IBIY is just perfect, and instantly catchy. Kylie, fill your next album up with goodies like these two gems! :D

Dannii Minogue's new single, You Won't Forget About Me, is excellent! I can't wait for the maxi single to be released with the remixes and video, can't wait can't wait can't wait! I only started listening to Dannii last year, when she released Neon Nights, her most recent album - and, I'll admit, the only reason why I picked up one of her singles (I Begin To Wonder, a great song!) was because I knew that she's Kylie's sister. But Dannii is quite different from Kylie, because while Kylie seems content staying within the realms of pop, Dannii tends to make dance/club tracks (which is fantastic!). Anyways, that's boring...

This is going to be boring too, but... um... well, I warned you. I'm contemplating whether or not I should create a fansite/fanlisting for Bedazzled, the 1967 movie starring Peter Cook and Dudley Moore. I love the movie muchly, which you may have notice as I tend to quote and reference it in passing in several of my blog posts, but there seems to be a tremendous lack of material about it online. I've yet to come across a fansite about it. I'm not picky, I'd be happy to see even a rubbishy fansite with two quotes and a grainy GIF image (that's what my idea of a rubbishy fansite is, at least), but no - nothing. Which is odd, considering that it's such a funny movie. I'm not sure if it's even got that cult status thing that some movies have, like Withnail and I (<3), because it's so obscure - it tanked in the theatres when it was released, despite its greatness, and my guess is that not many people know about it. Makes me sad, and it also makes me want to create a fansite about it. But, considering that there's nothing about it online, and I don't know anything about it except for what the movie case (jacket? box? Box, that's the word I'm looking for, I think) blurb says. (And the blurb is pig doots, because it makes a big deal about how Raquel Welch is in it (probably to appeal to American consumers who have no idea who the heck Peter Cook and Dudley Moore are, you see), when she spends a cumulative total of about 8, 9 minutes, tops, on screen. And several of those minutes are just her dancing on a table. Yeah, dancing on a table.) If I can get my screen capturing thing hooked up to my VCR again, and can get it to work, I may start a site about it, because at least I could post screen caps from it.

I know, that was really, really silly and pointless, but you just wait a minute, because I've got one more spectacularly pointless thing to say - if I were to make a fanlisting for it, there would be a Join form, right? And on the Join form, there's the "Submit" and "Clear" buttons. You can customize them and change the text to personalize it a bit, so they don't just say "Submit" and "Clear". Here's my pointless, yet brilliant, idea - I would change "Submit" to "Julie Andrews!" and change "Clear" to "Pbfft!" !!!

Brilliant!

(OK, explanation - the devil, George Spiggott (Peter Cook), says "Julie Andrews!" to make Stanley Moon's (Dudley Moore) wishes come true (go figure). To get out of a wish gone awry, George tells Stanley to just go "Pbfft", so Stanley goes "Pbfft!" a lot throughout the movie. I probably just made this a lot more complicated than it really is. Sorry about that.)

Cheery bye, Scarlett




//Listening to:
Who Wants To Live Forever (Sarah Brightman version)
//Currently amused by this quote:
Again, from the RADW Quote File
[Subject: Re: A title or a tittle?]

Kelly Robinson wrote:
> "Four to Doomsday" has several hidden meanings.

> * Monarch the Frog has been to Earth 4 times and is coming a 5th but
> wanting to stay for good and destroying mankind, hence doomsday.

> * Monarch's ship is 4 days from earth. Monarch is not a good frog so
> that's where the doomsday aspect comes in.

> * This story is 4 stories away from Adric's death: "Earthshock" - cool,
> huh?

> * There are only three other [Non-Dalek] stories in Dr Who's history
> whose titles have hidden meanings. The viewership is so thick that
> straightforward titles are almost required as necessity instead of the
> typical straightforward rubbish like "the Ark in Space", "Robots of
> Death", "Inferno", "The Silurians", "The War Games" - it goes on and on
> and on. ;-D

I think that this proves, persuasively and conclusively, that Paul is dead.

Charles Martin 26/12/99

(Yes, that is terribly fanwanky quote, which is why the reply about Paul is so genius!)

I was thinking (odd thing for me to do, really) earlier, and I thought that anyone who reads my blog might wonder why, if I'm dealing with difficult stuff, I don't write my feelings, etc about it in my blog. I think lots of bloggers do that - they write about *everything*, good and bad. I like writing about happy, trivial stuff, with the occasional serious post. I use the computer to get away from my OCD, not to dwell on it, so naturally I don't tend to talk about it very much, except for the casual mention, in my blog entries.

Because I'm in such a weird way right now, I don't post very much at all, but I hope that when the med kicks in I'll get more cheery and post more (I'm sure you're all looking forward to more silly posts, right? ;) ).

Cheery bye, Scarlett


//Listening to:
Starship Troopers - DBop's Saturday Night Radio Edit (Sarah Brightman)

I love I'm In Love With My Car. :D Always makes me smile.

So, I've changed the layout here at F&P - hope you like it! I call this layout Someone (Someone) Just Drained The Colour From My Blog, a clever (well, I think so!) twist on a lyric from Queen's My Fairy King (Someone [someone] just drained the colour from my wings). I know that in the CD booklet and on lyric sites online the lyric replaces "just" with "has", but everytime I listen to the song, I swear Freddie's singing "just". Ergo, the title of the layout.

No news on the OCD front, save for a switch in meds. Fingers crossed! :)

Cheery bye!




//Listening to:
White Queen (As It Began) [Queen]
//Currently amused by this quote:
From the RADW Quote File
Q. How many Doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Eight. One to say, "My dear child, I certainly won't be lighting
the change. Nor on that bulb!"; a second to say, "When I say unscrew,
unscrew. (a beat> Unscrew!"; then a third to say, "My dear Brigadier,
if we don't get this lightbulb changed, then the whole of London will
be plunged into perpetual darkness in less than 24 hours!"; a fourth
to say, "It's time for me to change the lightbulb. But the moment has
been prepared for!"; a fifth to say, "Could you give us a hand
Turlough? You seem quite fond of glowing fixtures!"; a sixth to say,
"A lightbulb? A LIGHTBULB? *A* *LIGHT* *BULB*?"; then a seventh to
say, "Oh, no Davros. I'm more than just a lightbulb changer!"; and
finally an eighth to say, "Sod the lightbulb, Grace. Let's do it in
the dark."

Mark Stevens (mark@sonance.demon.co.uk> 1/4/98

(I love me some Who humor!)

(Subject title is a reference to a quote from Withnail and I, and actually works quite well as a title...)

I haven't posted here or in my LJ for a long time, and I thought anyone who (for whatever reason!) reads my blog or LJ might want to know what's going on with me, cos I'm vain like that. ;)

Warning - what follows is probably confusing and pretty boring, and terribly self-indulgent. :) I take awhile getting to the point, but I get there eventually... :D

Toward the end of summer, I started going downhill with my OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) - in particular, hand-washing and bathroom stuff became an issue, along with lots of other fun stuff. [insert bitter "Ha ha." here] I also noticed that I was becoming more and more depressed, and I was becoming more and more anxious about going out to the mall, movies, etc (anywhere with people, basically [insert another bitter "Ha ha." here]). I didn't think much of it, because I just assumed I was going through a short phase with my OCD, as can happen sometimes. In an effort to lose weight, my psychiatrist switched me to a new medication that would have the same *good* effects of the medication I was previously on, but without the negative side effects (weight retention).

I went off of my current med at the time, and promptly went through withdrawal. So for a week, I was shaking, cold, hot, EXTREMELY anxious, depressed, and just generally in a very bad way. Once I got through that, we (the parental units and I) hoped the new medication would take effect. Er... they didn't. I became depressed - not that horrible depression that they always talk about on TV, but also not that "teenage" depression that daytime talk-shows talk about either - it was (is) more like being terribly depressed but for no tangible reason. I also became all but reclusive (I'm still all but reclusive, but that'll come later!), finding myself becoming anxious if we even mentioned going out for the day. We went to my psychiatrist, who confirmed that I was depressed, and have social anxiety disorder (SAD), and that we needed to nip that - and my OCD - in the bud. Increasing the dosage of my med has not yet helped, and although the depression has lifted considerably, my OCD seems to be getting worse. My SAD remains pretty much the same - I don't go out much, and when I do, it's extremely nerve-wracking and I become light-headed if it's unusually crowded. We're probably going to switch to another med and see how that goes... we've got to get this sorted out before January, because I'll be going to college then... which is what my psych thinks probably triggered the depression - anxiety about college... argh.

I'm not telling you all this to get sympathy, because I don't want it ;) - aside from that business, I'm in reasonably good spirits, and am just continuing to cope (and hope).

I realized a few days ago that one thing that happens when I'm going through a difficult time with my OCD is that, when it comes to keeping in contact with people (online and in real life), I do sort of become a recluse. It's actually a pretty big effort to "keep up appearances", and to work up the nerve to write an email to someone or write a blog post - sounds weird, I know, and probably doesn't make sense... it's sort of social anxiety disorder, but online.

So my point is that if I don't post for awhile, or don't get back to anyone's emails for a long time, it's probably because I'm having a rough couple of days, and it's not because I've lost interest in posting or because I'm ignoring you. :)

Cheery bye, Scarlett




//Listening to:
Tenement Funster (Queen)