I'm still here! *waves*

I plan to post regularly, as I did during the first half of last summer, after this week. That's because this week is... *drumroll* Intensive CBT Week! *whoo*

Once I've finished this week, I'll explain what that means. Until I can spend more time writing, I'll just give a cursory explanation. You may recall (like heck you do ;) ) that I've been struggling with an OCD "relapse" for the last two months or so. (Time kind of blurs when you're dealing with issues...). You may also recall (or not) a post where I mentioned having gone through a very troublesome obsession during my sophomore and junior years of high school, which was knocked out by cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT, see?). Long story short (too late!), my lack of structure/things to do this past summer and fall (while I was waiting to start college in the spring) was the kiss of death. I need structure. Not rigid rules or whatever, but I need to have a plan of what I'm going to do today, what I'm going to do tomorrow, etc. The need for structure extends to my mind as well - I need to have things to do to occupy my mind so that it can't wander and go a OCD-crazy on me, as it is wont to do.

So that lack of structure, coupled with other random circumstances, led to the Saturday before Christmas... which was when I literally woke up and had a panic attack. The panic was caused by... a thought of the obsession that I thought I had gotten over. F@#* d*^% s&^% poo!

My assumption that I had been "cured" of the obsession (people with OCD are never "cured" - you must manage it), combined with general anxiety that I had been experiencing since early fall, caused a relapse into that old obsession. I can honestly say I have never felt as awful as I did as when the obsession progressed; I could not imagine how things could ever be normal. To be at the point where I'm going through the intensive CBT again - the point where I'm angry at the OCD and am determined to control it and not let it control me - is wonderful (a bit surreal too, having been through the therapy once before!). I'm getting better! *yay!*

Intensive CBT (that's what I call it; there may be a technical term for it) is when, after a period of preparation for it (which involves lots of talking and figuring out what things trigger anxiety and MUCH more), you essentially bombard yourself silly with everything that your obsession is telling you to fear. Your obsession causes you to worry that you're going to set something on fire? Think to yourself, "I'm going to set something on fire!". Your obsession is the one where you're convinced you're going to harm a family member or a friend? Think to yourself, "I'm going to harm my family and friends." This causes you to become desensitized to thoughts that once were anxiety-causing. By constantly thinking your "worst thoughts", they become just that - thoughts. Words. They lose their hold over you. So after the CBT, a thought like "What if I just had a blesphemous thought?" (that's one of the religious OCD kind of thoughts) can come into your mind, and it won't cause you anxiety (though it did before the CBT). If you feel a bit anxious at that thought, simply face it down - say to yourself "I did just have a blasphemous thought. A horribly blasphemous thought." And then your anxiety will go down and you can go about your business, because by "accepting" the thought, you are no longer troubled by it. This probably doesn't make sense, but it all works out in the end. I'll attempt a better explanation in another post!

My week of intensive CBT involves confronting thoughts; listening to a CD I made with a loop of me saying the words that trigger the most anxiety in me, and listening to it while doing most of the other CBT exercises I'll be doing this week; doing normal everyday things that have been difficult because of compulsions and doing these things while purposefully thinking anxiety-causing thoughts; and quite a bit more that I won't go into because I'll bore anyone who read this to tears! It's pretty draining to do all this - it takes a tremendous amount of willpower, and I'm exhausted already. And it's only been one day! But I'm proud of what I've done today and am eager to continue nipping this thing in the bud!

I'm really sorry if this post is kind of rambling and strange - I'm very tired, and I'm do the thought thing as I type this, and that kind of takes away my concentration. Ah well... I'll eventually be able to write coherently again. Not that I did before, but... ;)

Cheery bye, Scarlett



Listening to: Troy - Sinéad O'Connor