OMGWTFBBQ? *hugs big book o' Hitchhiker's and TV series DVD*

So! I saw The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy on Friday. (Yes, the day it was released. I is teh geek.)

I was terribly prejudiced going into it, having read the first two books and seen and adored the BBC TV series, but I was willing to give the film a chance.

But I did assume it would be mutated into some Hollywood rubbish that completely missed the point, but I was hoping to be surprised.

I was surprised. I was right.

SPOILER SPACE
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MORE SPOILER SPACE
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AH, SOD IT.

Romance? Check. Violence? Check. Shiny happy fun special effects? Check. Hero? Check

Wit? MIA. Faithfulness - within reason - to the book, radio series, and TV series? Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha.

What I love about the book is that there isn't really a plot. It's absurd, it's silly, and it's brilliant. It makes no sense and that's why it makes perfect sense.

Here's a quick recap of who's who in the book, radio series, and BBC TV series: Arthur Dent is exactly the same in space as he was on Earth - all he wants is a decent cup of tea. He sees, faces, survives all manner of incredible and mind-boggling situations and is still Everyman In Space. Ford Prefect is one hoopy frood who always knows where his towel is. As a field researcher for the Guide, he got stuck on Earth for 15 years although he only planned to stay for a week. Zaphod Beeblebrox is Zaphod Beeblebrox - the President of the Galaxy, inventor of the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, and... well, he's Zaphod! He has a huge plan that he's following but he has no idea what it is. He's also got two heads and a third arm. Trillian is Tricia McMillan (as she was known on Earth), a terribly intelligent astrophysicist who met Zaphod at a party in an Islington flat and has since travelled with him. Marvin is a manically depressed Genuine People Personality prototype robot - "Life... don't talk to me about life..." - and will tell anyone listening that he's terribly depressed.

Here's who's who in the movie: Arthur Dent is the Everyman and fell in love with Trillian at that Islington party. When told by Ford that the Earth is about to be blown up, he shows more concern about the fact that he blew it with Trillian than with the impending doom. He somehow becomes very courageous and goes to save Trillian when she's captured by the Vogons, and then he and Trillian live happily ever after, eventually. Ford is still a field researcher, and... that's about it. Zaphod is a himbo with a Southern accent. His second head is where his neck should be and his third arm shoots out of his chest, but they're both removed as collateral for Humma Kavula. Marvin is still Marvin but he's... cute and cuddly-like. Trillian is not an astrophysicist (at least, they never say she is) and is a bit like a nanny to Zaphod, who is, apparently, a complete and utter idiot. Trillian rather liked Arthur but she couldn't resist that guy from another planet. She realizes she really loves him and blah blah blah. She has no family in space and Zaphod doesn't really care about her and blah blah blah angst angst angst.

The movie attempts to create a plot but doesn't follow through; we only see the newly added character Humma Kavula in one part of the movie, Zaphod never gets his extra limbs back... Two entire plotlines that were not in the book or anywhere else take up a huge chunk of the film - Humma Kavula and Trillian getting captured by the Vogons. The Humma Kavula bit is there to (1) irritate fans, (2) give John Malkovich a chance to pronounce "Margrathea" wrong, (3) serve as an excuse for Zaphod and the rest to find the Point of View gun (which wasn't in the book), which will eventually save the day. The "Trillian gets captured and Arthur saves her" bit is there to (1) show how much Arthur loves Trillian, (2) give us a sight gag with Zaphod, Arthur, and Ford getting whacked by idea-triggered... shovels, and (3) I have no zarking idea.

Quite a bit of my favorite dialogue is absent - Arthur's retort to Mr Prosser (the bypass guy's name in the book and such) that the plans for the bypass were indeed on display, "in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet. . . stuck in a disused lavatory. . . with a sign on the door saying 'Beware of the leopard!'"; Ford persuading Prosser to lie down in front of the bulldozer instead of Arthur (I can't even explain it, but it's brilliant); Ford stalling the "Resistance is useless!" Vogon by trying to persuade him to follow his own dreams (the Vogon decides he likes shouting much better)... anyways, I didn't expect every single line from the book et al, but I expected more, and there probably would have been more had the Humma Kavula and Saving Trillian bits not been added in.

The ending... is... well, it's a bit pig doots, actually. They all end up back on Earth, Mark II. The mice try to take Arthur's brain, but he smashes them with a teapot (very cruel, that). The Vogons turn up and try to destroy Zaphod (after all, he did steal the Heart of Gold) and poor old Marvin is blasted in the back of the head. He falls to the ground, complaining of a headache. All seems lost - Ford's towel attack doesn't do the trick and he and the rest end up cowering in a trailer. But oh! Marvin's eyes light back up miraculously and he shoots the entire Vogon army with the Point of View gun (which makes the person who is shot adopt the point of view of the shooter), who immediately become terribly depressed and thus stop shooting at the crew. Arthur, Zaphod and the rest are a-OK and Zaphod gets fresh with the lady who for some reason has been trying to catch him along with the Vogons, but in the end turned out to be little more than a groupie, while Arthur and Trillian kiss (*awww*). Our favorite space travellers then dash off in the Heart of Gold for a bite to eat at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, the Infinite Improbability Drive is enabled and the ship changes form a few times before settling on Douglas Adams' head (this happens really fast, so don't blink).

The movie will make little sense to those who have no clue about the book. Things happen fast and aren't always sufficiently explained and there are so many plotlines going on that it gets a bit confusing. It's lovely to look at, though - Earth being blown up by the Vogon constructor fleet is simply awesome, and the journey into the factory floor of Magrathea is mind-blowing and very well realized. The Heart of Gold is a nifty spaceship, and the improbable yarn bit is great.

Deep Thought is somehow less impressive, to me. I expected the huge, booming voice of the TV series Deep Thought, but it turned out to be a pleasant Helen Mirren. I dunno, I quite liked the clunky machine-ness of the TV Deep Thought. The movie Deep Thought was too organic for my tastes. (But that's hardly my biggest complaint about the film!)

My biggest issue with the movie is Teh Love. Why? Why create a love story? Did they really think that a love story would appeal to audiences more than a fantastic story about a couple of people (well, two people and two Betelgeusians) mucking about in space? Is it a law that every comedy film must have love n' angst? Argh! What I love about book and TV Arthur (I haven't gotten hold of the radio series yet!) is that he's just Arthur. He's just trying to make sense of all the nonsensical things happening to him. He just wants a nice cup of tea. The movie gives him a "purpose", a "motivation" - he loves Trillian. Whyyyyyyy? I mean, in the book, Trillian and Zaphod are an item and Arthur's fine with that, he really just wants a decent cuppa. Teh Love cheapens the story, in my opinion.

OK. Now, it must seem that I didn't enjoy the movie. I did! There were funny bits and I loved hearing the theme as a fancy orchestration. Stephen Fry was perfect as the Guide (but I did think the Guide looked a bit too... I dunno. It was like a mega Flash! animation) and Bill Nighy nailed Slartibartfast (his was my favorite performance in the movie, by the way). It was fun, there's no doubt about that. But... it wasn't the Hitchhiker's I read and loved. I missed the second inactive animatronic head of the TV series. I missed Trillian going on about the Infinite Improbability Drive. I missed Ford being all Ford-y.

So, here's my conclusion - the film is fun for fans to slag off and love at the same time (for all its many, many faults, it's still HHGTTG, and you can't not love it), but may confuse your average movie-goer.

Don't panic, but don't get your hopes up either.

(Whoo! I wrote a review-type thing! How lovely!)

Cheery bye, Scarlett

Listening to/watching: The Stones of Blood - Doctor Who (it's tremendously anoraky that I'm writing about Hitchhiker's and watching Who at the same time!)